


Fuck Elias: The Club

by Moron1



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Coming Out, Communication, Crack, Drinking Games, Drunken Kissing, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Multi, No Fear Entities (The Magnus Archives), No Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Sex-Neutral Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, The Mechanisms Were Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist's College | University Band, just a lot of talking about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 16:53:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30125907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moron1/pseuds/Moron1
Summary: Through some sort of horrible coincidence, every one of the Archival department has, at some point prior to their employment at the Magnus Institute, slept with Elias Bouchard.Working title: the Everyone slept with Elias AU
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Sasha James/Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Tim Stoker/Original Elias Bouchard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 60





	Fuck Elias: The Club

**Author's Note:**

> Thus is set in some sort of vague timeline where bad things do not happen, the entities only maybe exist, and yet everyone is a little closer to each other than they were in canon. Actually you know what? It’s not going to be mentioned but AU where Jon just knocks over a few wasp’s nests when he breaks the cabinets and instead of the flesh hive it’s just the archives gang hiding from angry wasps in the storage room.
> 
> This is like, the opposite of pining. Fast burn.
> 
> I’m doing my absolute best to not use “anyway” and “so” every bit of dialogue but that’s all I say irl so it is a challenge. Also, I hope it wasn’t too confusing? I hate writing dialogue tags, so I may have just. Missed some.
> 
> Sorry for the ambiguous POV lol, I forget that people aren’t a hive mind.

It was a normal day at the Magnus Institute, as much as they had normal days. Slogging through the mess of files that Gertrude had left behind had become almost routine by now, even if their contents were decidedly not.

Jon has actually gotten rather engrossed in his work, so of course Tim chose that moment to burst in and annoy him.

“Boss. Hey, boss.” Tim leaned around the door frame, waiting semi-patiently for Jon to get annoyed enough to answer him.

He didn’t have to wait long, as it only took about a minute for Jon to slam his papers down with a muffled thump and a, “What do you want, Tim?”

“It’s Friday, which means drinks night, and I’m not taking another no. You’re coming with us,” He punctuated this by physically grabbing Jon and dragging him out of his office, “Whether you like it or not.”

Jon chose to go along with it, if only to prevent being dragged along like a stubborn toddler. However, he only bothered to go along with it up until they made it out of his office before he struggled his way out of Tim’s grasp.

“I’m not going to drinks with you. It would be highly unprofessional, as your boss.”

“You’re like, barely our boss. That honor really goes to Elias, you can’t even fire us,” Tim argued, “One night of drinks won’t ruin our working relationship forever.”

“Look, it’s already bad enough that I have to work with Elias, I can’t afford to act unprofessionally around you lot as well.”

“When have you ever acted unprofessionally around Elias?”

Jon froze, a flush rising over his face, and Tim looked over at him with wide eyes, placing both hands over his shoulders and shaking him slightly. “Thank fucking god.”

“Language, Tim-“

“I’m not the only one who’s slept with our boss. Yes! I thought it was going to be so fucking weird, but if we’ve both done it, it’s like, fine or something.”

“You guys slept with Elias too?” Martin asked, clapping a hand over his mouth when Tim and Jon turned to stare at him.

“Well damn,” Tim whistled, “Sash, you’ve got anything to confess?”

“Technically I didn’t sleep with Elias,” She paused, letting Tim stare rapturously at her, “But he did watch while I had sex with his husband.”

“Elias has a husband?”

“You must have gotten them when they were divorced again.”

“He’s been divorced from the same man multiple times?”

“How do you know this, Sasha?”

“Rosie gossips with me sometimes,” Sasha paused, “Also I thought that the Institute might be embezzling money so I hacked into the finances. Some of the money put into the institute was labeled as alimony payments.”

“Holy shit,” Tim wheezed, “Double boss has a sugar daddy.”

“Okay, we’re definitely going for drinks now. If we’re going to be discussing Elias’ sex life, we’re not doing it in the Archives, which Elias visits quite regularly,” Sasha wrinkled her nose.

Martin nodded, face flushed. Jon looked at him accusingly, as if Martin was meant to be the one on his side, but Martin just shrugged at the look. “Tim’ll be pestering us for the rest of time if we don’t all tell him, so we might as well get it over with?”

Jon glared at Tim, but relented, allowing himself to be escorted off the premises.

The pub that the archival assistants tended to go to was only a short walk from the Institute, so it was far too short a time for Jon to properly collect himself. Perhaps that was why Tim was able to to convince him to take a couple shots right off the bat.

They all squished into a booth at the side, Tim blocking Jon in so that he couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. “So. Stories. All of you have them, and I want to know about them.”

“This is exactly why I never go out with you, Tim.”

“Aww, you love me. Now spill.”

“I was in Uni. Peter approached me. I went to a hotel room with him and Elias, and we had sex. Is that sufficient?”

“Nah boss, I wanna know why he approached you. We need motive.”

“Why the hell do we need motive for sharing times that we’ve had sex with our boss?” Jon’s voice increased in pitch as he spoke, causing more than one person at the bar to look over at them in confusion.

“Because, what if this is like, Elias’ hiring process or something. D’ you think he’s slept with everyone at the Institute?”

“I’m fairly certain that’s statistically improbable.”

“I’d say all of us independently hooking up with our boss would be statistically improbable too, but what do you know?”

“If you must know, it probably wasn’t a recruitment thing. I don’t know how being in a band in Uni that Elias’ husband liked would in any way qualify me for an archival position.”

“Wait, who’s Elias’ husband?” Tim asked, reminding them that he was the only one of the group who hadn’t slept with the man.

“Peter Lukas,” Martin responded, taking a sip of his drink to hide a smile.

“Same Lukas family that’s in a bunch of the statements?”

“And the same one that funds the Institute.”

“Damn. Wait, isn’t that guy a sea captain or something? What kind of music did you play that he liked so much? Sea shanties?” Tim joked, but Jon pointedly looked away and refused to acknowledge his comment. “No. You, Jonathan Sims, used to be in a band that sang sea shanties?”

“Not... technically.”

After several minutes of needling from Tim, Jon gave up, took two tequila shots in a row, and began to explain. “So we were called the Mechanisms, and we each had a stage persona because our thing was that...” He ran a hand down his face, “Fuck. We pretended to be immortal space pirates and we took stories- fairytales and myths and things, and set them as folk songs in space.”

Martin’s eyes went wide, but Tim was full on gaping, looking rather similar to a dead fish. Jon turned to Sasha and paled.

So intent was he on trying to explain the entire thing to Tim and Martin without making himself seem like too much of a fool, that he didn’t notice Sasha furiously typing at her phone until a tinny recording of a voice he knew all too well rang out. 

Jon lunged, trying to pull the phone out of Sasha’s hands, but Tim was faster, pulling Jon into his lap and away from Sasha.

Jon contemplated struggling his way off of Tim, but he was rather comfortable where he was, curled up against the solid press of Tim’s body. He relaxed, but he was still scowling.

“Anyway,” Jon glared at Sasha, but there was no real heat in his gaze, “I met Peter and Elias after the show. They stood out quite a bit, obviously. Not many Stowaways look anything like either of them.”

“Is- is that what your fans were called? Stowaways?” Martin asked. Had it been Tim asking, Jon would have taken it as more teasing, but Martin felt far more genuine in his questioning.

“Well, yes. Ship, stowaways, it made sense at the time. So- they were at the bar, and I had stopped over to grab a drink when I noticed them watching me,” Jon scratches at the back of his neck, “I’m not normally the type do do things like... that, but I had always liked winding down from a show with a little relaxation. Only usually it was just me and my hand.”

As soon as he uttered the last sentence, Jon blushed even harder. He hadn’t actually meant to admit that, but it seemed that the alcohol was hitting him a bit harder than he had thought. 

“Peter and I started talking, they invited me back to their hotel room and, well. That’s all that I’m saying.”

“C’mon boss!” Tim rested his head on Jon’s shoulder as he whined.

“I am far from being drunk enough to say any more, Tim.”

Jon endured several more minutes of pointed needling from Tim, which Martin tried and failed to stop. The only thing that interrupted him was Sasha, who slapped a hand on the table absently to get their attention.

“Huh, this is weird. I was looking up Elias and Peter’s marriage certificate for... reasons, but... look at this.” Sasha turned her phone around, showing the rest of the group that while there were several marriage certificates for Elias Bouchard and Peter Lukas, there was also one for Peter Lukas and James Wright. 

“I checked up on some of the other former heads of the Institute, and check this out,” Sasha pulled up a different tab, “Every Institute head has been married to a member of the Lukas family. I don’t know how, gay marriage hadn’t been legalized for like, any of these, but the records exist.”

“Maybe it’s an arranged marriage thing? If you take the position, you’re contractually obligated to marry a member of the Lukas family?”

“Maybe Jonah Magnus has just been reincarnating and taking over his old position over and over again and Elias is just his newest reincarnation.”

“And the entire Lukas family is his string of fuckbuddies.”

“Yeah!”

“God, somehow the arranged marriage theory sounds more likely.”

“Gotta say boss, we do work somewhere awfully...”

“Don’t say it.”

“...Spooky.”

“Tim, just for that you don’t get to hear Martin and Sasha’s stories.”

“Noooo! I’ll be good, let me hear!” Tim turned his puppy eyes on Sasha, who was giggling into her beer, and Martin, whose face was unusually flushed. Well, Martin being flustered wasn’t exactly uncommon, but the combination of him blushing from embarrassment and the alcohol was.

“Which one of you wants to go first?”

Sasha and Martin looked at each other before Sasha shrugged, taking a sip of her drink and starting to speak.

“I was out with a few of my old Uni friends, and it was towards the end of the night so most of them had started leaving already. I lingered a bit because I wanted to finish my drink, and Peter approached me.” Sasha tilted her head, recalling, “I remember thinking it was weird, because he was wearing a wedding ring, so I told him that I wasn’t looking to be a homewrecker.”

“He told me that it was their anniversary, and that there was something that they’ve always wanted to try. I assumed that it was just a threesome, and I wasn’t exactly opposed to the idea,” Sasha paused at this, glaring at Tim’s smug gaze, “They’re both right fit, and I know damn well you’d have done the same, so stop smirking at me like that.”

“Yeah, but I’m like, the resident Archives Slut.” Somehow, you could almost hear the capital letters in his voice. Jon rolled his eyes.

Sasha started her story back up, continuing with, “He clarified that his husband was into voyeurism, but they hadn’t actually explored it with another partner before, so that’s where I came in.”

“Literally,” Jon spoke, his dry tone startling laughter out of the others.

“I went back to what was apparently Elias’ apartment- he said they had a house as well, but it was towards the outskirts of the city and Elias preferred to stay closer to work. Not important. Um, I don’t think you need to know the details, but I slept with Peter Lukas while Elias sat in a chair and watched.”

“You- did you cuckold our boss?” Martin exclaimed. Sasha shrugged with a devious smile, taking a sip of her drink.

“Sash- you’re a legend,” Tim praised, “Queen of the Archives. Hell, the whole institute. There’s gotta be some sort of- rights of conquest or something. You fucked the boss’ husband, you can take his job now.”

“I don’t want Elias’ job. God, have you seen the amount of paperwork that goes into it? I mean, he literally made most of it up so it’s his own fault, but that sounds like hell,” Sasha shuddered, leaning into Martin and gesturing for him to give his own story.

Martin rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “So before I was at the institute, I was just taking a lot of temp jobs, and somehow I ended up as a waiter at this fancy gala thing? It was a decent gig given the pay, but I was terrified the whole time that I was doing something wrong, especially because there was this guy that was just... staring at me.”

“Given the previous stories, let me guess. Peter Lukas?”

“No, actually it was Elias. It was- you know that stare that he gives Jon a lot? The one where he’s staring really intently and he’s kinda smug about it?”

“Ugh, and he’s not even ashamed when you catch him at it,” Tim complained, “He just smirks at you and leaves.”

“Why are you complaining, Tim. I’m the one who he’s always staring at.”

“Yeah, but we all have to see it,” Sasha pursed her lips, “You don’t think- maybe he gets off on us being uncomfortable whenever we see him?”

“God, I hope not,” Tim gagged, “Think we could report him to HR?”

“Do we even have an HR department? And anyway, what would you even say? I slept with my boss a long time ago and now he looks at me funny sometimes? I’m sure as hell not admitting that to anyone.”

“Yeah, fair,” Tim said, turning his attention back to Martin, who had taken a swig of beer while they spoke. He wiped his mouth hurriedly and continued his story.

“He was watching me really closely, and I was going to just stay out of his way but he came over to me, and when he dropped off his empty champagne glass he also handed me a note.”

“What’d it say? Are you interested in having a threesome with me and my husband, check yes or no?”

“Well, pretty much, actually. Just translate that into posh old man and you’ve got the gist.”

Tim snickered at that, huffing a laugh into Jon’s neck, causing Jon to squirm around and try and get away.

“I- I looked over, saw the man he was standing with, and he raised his glass to me. I nodded, I guess? It was such a wild situation, but well, why not? It’s not like I had much time to get laid between taking care of my mum and trying to find jobs.”

“I went back to their hotel room with them, and, well. I got spit roasted by our boss and his husband.”

“Oh my god, Martin!” Tim almost squealed, “Was it- was it good, though?”

“It was... really lonely, actually? Like, the sex was pretty great, but it was like third-wheeling a couple. It was third-wheeling, except in a threesome,” Martin stared off into the middle distance, eyes unfocused, “Made me think about how I’ve never really had someone love me like that.”

“Aww, Martin,” Sasha pulled him into a hug, Tim (and Jon as well, due to the fact that he was still sat in Tim’s lap) leaning into him.

“Don’t worry, Marto, you’re stuck with us for the rest of time,” Sasha crooned, snuggling deeper into Martin and sighing peacefully.

“Looks like Sash’s about to go to sleep on you, Marto. D’you think we should wrap this up?”

“I don’t want to stay at the bar, but I also don’t really want to go home,” Sasha rubbed her chin, “Wanna have a sleepover?”

“What are we, twelve?”

“Mentally you are, Tim,” Sasha clapped him on the back and he pretended that her blow had wounded him grievously. “That isn’t helping your case.”

They agreed though, and they all squeezed out of the booth and left.

It wasn’t until they had exited the bar, stepping out into the cool night air that Tim continued their conversation. “...D’you think Elias hired us based on sexiness?”

“Obviously not?” Jon scoffed, “I mean, the rest of you would certainly qualify, I guess.”

“What, and you wouldn’t?” Sasha ribbed him, twining her arm through his.

Jon paused, looking at Sasha in confusion. “No?” He said, as if it were something that everyone knew, and she was the strange one for even asking.

All three of the assistants blinked at the same time. Not in an unnerving way, just in that they were absorbing his words with similar shock.

“Jon... you do realize that you’re hot, right?” Tim asked, placing his hands upon Jon’s shoulders, “Before you were promoted that’s what you were in my phone contacts. Hot Jon.”

“And that was a joke.”

“It wasn’t a joke, Jon. Tim had this massive crush on y-“ Tim moved from grasping Jon’s shoulders to frantically attempting to cover Sasha’s mouth, who just laughed uproariously. It was a nice laugh, different from the little giggles that she let out in the Archives.

Sasha squirmed away from his hands, cupping her own hands around Tim’s ear and whispering at him. Tim’s face went on quite a journey, but not one that Jon could follow. Eventually, he nodded and Sasha cheered, pumping a fist in the air.

She turned back to the rest of them. “Tim’s right, Jon’s hot. Two against one, we’ve outvoted you, Jon!”

“Martin hasn’t voted,” Jon said, crossing his arms.

They both turned their gazes to Martin, beseeching. Martin flushed again, scratching his head. “Well- I, uh. I agree with Tim and Sasha.”

“What?” Jon asked, seeming actually befuddled, but Sasha interrupted him. 

“No, Martin. You have to say it. Say Jon’s hot!”

“Jon’s... hot?”

“That sounded like a question. C’mon, Martin!”

“Jon is hot. Our boss, Jonathan Sims, is incredibly attractive. Is that good enough for you?” Martin was distracted enough by Sasha, who had grabbed him by the head and started shaking him when he didn’t answer, that he didn’t notice Jon getting more and more flustered.

“God Martin, you really missed out. He used to come to work on casual Fridays in a leather jacket. Mmh.” Tim closed his eyes, hand pressed to his heart.

Both Jon and Martin blushed, but for rather different reasons.

“And the jeans too,” Sasha grinned, “His arse isn’t that great, but his legs? Damn.”

“Must you objectify me not two feet away from my person?”

“So we can do it further away then?” Sasha nudged him gently, “We can stop if you want us to. And we’re not trying to make fun of you or anything. Tim genuinely did have a crush on you.”

“Betrayed by Sasha James!” Tim gasped dramatically, “I guess that means I can tell them that you’re neglecting to mention your own crush on our illustrious boss!”

“I told you that in confidence!”

“Yeah, so did I!”

“No you didn’t, you told me that in the break room, that’s fair game. You told me about your crush on Martin in bed, that was in confidence!”

Martin squeaked, and Sasha spun around, looking horrified as she realized that she was not, in fact, privately gossiping with Tim.

“I’m so sorry Tim, I didn’t mean to-“

Tim shook his head, “It’s fine Sash, it’s not like I was subtle or anything.”

“What?” Martin asked, looking quite gobsmacked. “You’ve never- I mean, you’ve hit on me, but like, as a joke.”

Tim stopped walking, forcing everyone else to pause as well unless they wanted to leave him behind. He turned his gaze between the others, staring deeply into each of their eyes before landing on Sasha.

“I- Sasha, please tell me that you know that I was hitting on you seriously,” He ran a hand through his hair, “I can’t be the only non-oblivious member of this team.”

“Tim, we've had sex,” Sasha stayed, deadpan, “I know that you were hitting on me genuinely.”

“But both Martin and Jon apparently thought I was joking, which is blatantly untrue.”

“You flirt with everybody, Tim. How was I supposed to know that you were apparently genuine about it?”

“Just because I’m easy doesn’t mean I’m not genuine! I might flirt a lot but I never flirt if I don’t mean it,” Tim slung an arm around Martin, “Trust me Marto, if you had responded with anything more positive than the little laugh and ignore thing that you did, I would have very enthusiastically taken you to bed.”

“I- Tim!” Martin put his rapidly reddening face in his hands.

Tim backed off quickly, arms raised. “I try not to keep hitting on people after they say they’re not interested, sorry if it seemed that way.”

“No, I- I’m not opposed to it? I just... I guess I just kinda assumed that you were out of my league and stopped thinking about it.”

“Well, feel free to go back to thinking about it! We’re almost at my place though, so think fast,” Tim winked.

They really were quite close to his flat, which was on the fifth floor of a rather unremarkable building. They took the lift up, which shuddered uncomfortably up the floors. It wasn’t great quality, but one couldn’t expect much for someplace rented on an Archival Assistant’s pay.

Tim opened the door to his flat, spreading his arms wide. “Welcome to my home, feel free to make yourself comfortable!”

“Tim, what the fuck?”

The flat had some of the standard features of a bachelor pad, with the small kitchenette in the corner and several seemingly-random furnishings, but the focal point stood directly in the middle of the floor.

It had an open floor plan, so aside from the door leading to the bathroom, the entire room was, well, it was more bed than room.

The bed was huge, larger than Jon had ever seen before, and took up far too much space. There was also no living room of any sort, so they were only steps from the bed immediately after entering Tim’s flat.

“I’d been living in the tiny little dormitories at my university prior to getting a flat, so when I bought it I decided that I’d furnish it in a way that appealed to me. Which meant a big fucking bed,” Tim shrugged, looking vaguely sheepish, “It’s not like I’m having orgies in here or something.”

Sasha had already flung herself onto the bed, clearly having been to Tim’s flat before, and Martin had reluctantly joined her, sitting perched on the edge of the huge mattress.

Tim joined them, sprawling out in a way that was clearly meant to be seductive but was really just ridiculous looking. “Come and join us, boss!”

Jon sighed, kicking off his shoes and getting on the bed, sitting cross-legged between Tim and Sasha. He felt ridiculous, like he was a twelve-year-old girl and not a man pushing thirty.

“Ooh, put on Jon’s band! We never got to actually listen to them!” Sasha tossed a remote to Tim, who obliged, pulling up one of their performances on youtube after a short amount of searching.

“Tim, you never told us your story!” Jon exclaimed, trying to take attention away from the blurry video playing, “Thought you’d get away hearing all of ours and not tell us your own?”

“Nah, just saving the best for last. This one’s... interesting.” He grinned, “Also, shh. I want to take in everything about this performance.”

Jon huffed, turning his head into Sasha’s shoulder to avoid having to watch himself strut across the stage. He loved performing, don’t get him wrong, but there was something very different and quite embarrassing about rewatching it after the fact.

Sasha started petting his hair absently, and Jon let out a hum of pleasure.

“This is... sexy. I see why Peter Lukas was so interested.”

“Yeah,” Martin sighed, dreamily. Jon looked up inconspicuously to see him with his head planted in his hands, staring up at the screen with a blatantly lovesick expression. But that wasn’t- Jon wasn’t so oblivious that he hadn’t noticed that Martin liked him, but there was a difference between having a small crush on your boss and, well, love.

He turned his head back towards Sasha, who pressed a quick kiss to his head and pulled him in closer. It was nice cuddling with someone close to his size for once. Even Georgie had a tendency to tuck him under her arm, and that had been years ago anyway.

The others watched the whole set, making excited noises at various points, especially when Jon did anything particularly interesting, but eventually it was over. 

Desperate for a distraction from any questions, Jon returned to his earlier strategy. Getting Tim to do the distraction for him. “So Tim, isn’t it your turn for a story now?”

Tim rolled his eyes, but obliged. “It was a long time ago, and I didn’t really put it together at first, but there can’t be that many Elias Bouchards, can there?” 

“Not many, I think. Kind of an uncommon name.”

“So. I’m 18, just started Uni, and I hang out with a lot of upperclassmen so I get invited to a lot of parties. This one was pretty normal, just a bunch of people getting drunk and high at someone’s flat. There was a guy in the back taking hits of a bong-“

“Oh god can’t you get on with it, we don’t need the details of random stoner number 17 at this party, Tim.”

“Oh, but you do! So I go up to him and ask for a hit, and as I take one he introduces himself. His name... is Elias Bouchard, recent Oxford grad who still goes to Uni parties to get absolutely blazed out of his mind.”

“No,” Sasha whispered, eyes wide and incredulous.

“Yes,” Tim grinned, “Our uptight boss used to be just another rich boy pothead.”

“Is that why you’re so repulsed by the idea of sleeping with him now? Got used to the idea of the chill pothead and now you’ve got to deal with the stuck up prick?”

“I mean, kinda? He was still a stuck up prick back then, but like, differently. Just a posh brat, not a corporate overlord.”

“Yeah, he looks like the type to buy a gram for 30 pounds.”

“Ugh, he probably would. He let me take a hit, I sucked his dick, and then I woke up the next morning with jizz in my ass, no one around, and no memory of the rest of the night.”

Jon wrinkles his nose. Tim saw his reaction and pouted. “Am I grossing you out, boss? I omitted like, all the details, just for you!”

“I’m literally in your bed, please stop calling me boss.”

“Ooh, I get to call you Jon now?”

“You’ve been calling me Jon for years before I became Head Archivist.”

“Yeah, but now it’s like, cool. Like I’m having some sort of illicit affair with my boss after hours.”

“There is very little chance of that happening, Tim.”

“Ah, very little but not no... I guess I have to up my seduction game a bit.”

“If this is just a game to you Tim, I suggest you give up entirely. I’m not something for you to- to check off a list.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Jon. You’re important to me,” Tim stared into his eyes, placing a hand over Jon’s, “I will do my best to respect your boundaries if you’re not into me at all, but I am very into you. And I’d like to take anything that you’re willing to give.”

“I-“ Jon flushed, turning to look at the others, “Let me think about it a bit more? This isn’t a rejection, I just- I’m not used to this sort of thing.”

“Alright!” Tim looked around, eyes landing on a small box on his bedside table, “Want to play a drinking game? I’m sobering up right now and I’d prefer not to be.”

Martin nodded, and Sasha grabbed the box, opening it up to scan through the cards. “When did you buy this?”

“A couple years ago, actually, but I never actually used it. It’s just been sitting there.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Sasha huffed, trying and failing to get the plastic wrapping off of the deck.

Martin made grabby hands at her, taking the package and neatly slicing through it with a pocket knife that he had pulled out from... somewhere. Sasha blinked at him. “Where’d that come from?”

“My pocket?”

“Do you just carry one of those around everywhere?”

“Yeah? I started carrying it around after that one lady- Jane Prentiss? When she stalked me home after I followed up on a statement.”

“Oh shit, I almost forgot about that! It’s a good thing that she got caught trying to break into the Institute, I don’t want to know what would have happened if she’d made it in,” Tim said, wrinkling his nose.

Martin shuddered, and noticing this, Jon turned around and laid an arm on Martin’s shoulder, drawing him into a half-hug.

“Let’s get to the game, shall we?” Sasha clapped, noticing the somber air that had come upon them. She pulled the cards out while Tim walked over to his fridge to pull out a few beers.

“Alright... I guess we just go around and each take a card?” She read off the first one that she had picked up, “Everybody votes on the nicest person, whoever wins drinks. Alright Martin!”

Martin looked up, confused. “You didn’t even vote?”

Both Tim and Jon just nodded though, no even bothering to weigh in. “Martin’s the nicest, no competition.”

Martin drank reluctantly before picking up his own card. “If you like cottage cheese, take a drink.” He drank, as did Jon.

“Fucking old people,” Tim said, “Me ‘n Sasha’ve got good taste.

“More like you both have the tastebuds of children. I’ve literally seen Sasha drinking sugar water before, and don’t think I didn’t notice the four bottles of that five pound strawberry wine in your fridge.”

“They’re tasty! I refuse to regret my alcohol choices,” Tim said, nose turned up in faux condescension.

“That’s disgusting,” Jon sighed, picking up a card of his own, “Drink if you’ve ever gone to class drunk.” He obliged, taking a sip of his beer and wrinkling his nose at the taste.

“Wow boss, and here I thought you were a goody two shoes.”

“One, it’s Jon not boss, and two, I just told you what I was like in Uni?” Jon stared at him, “Also I was self-medicating for my anxiety by just drinking before every class discussion, so it happened quite a bit.”

“Wow,” Martin looked at Jon with hearts in his eyes. Sasha nudged him, grinning, and he nudged her back. 

He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “You have literally no leg to stand on, Sasha. You were looking too.”

Sasha pushed Martin over, sending them both collapsing back onto the bed in opposite directions.

“Drink for every piercing you have,” Tim read off after waiting for the two of them to settle down, “Do earrings count as one or two?”

“I’d say one each? Sorry Tim, you’ve got to suffer,” Martin said, smugly not having to drink.

Sasha took two sips and Tim took four, showing off his nipple piercings without any prompting from the others. Jon took two, hesitated, and then took two more. 

“Wait, Jon? What other piercings do you have?” Martin asked. The ones in his ears were visible enough, but he hadn’t seen any others, nor any telltale marks of closed up piercing holes. At least not any that are visible above the stuff collared shirt that he usually wears.

“I used to have a septum piercing as well, and, uh,” Jon looked up at the ceiling as if it could get him out of answering, “Georgie- my ex-girlfriend, we got... matching belly button piercings.”

Sasha has taken a swig of her drink, unrelated to the game, right as Jon had finished his sentence, and spent the next minute coughing and wiping her face from where beer had come out of her nose.

Tim in the other hand, was trying to convince Jon to show him the piercing. “C’mon, I showed you my nipple piercings!”

“Yes, and I didn’t ask you to do that. You did that of your own volition,” He sniffed, “And I don’t actually wear it anymore. Maintenance was too much effort, so I let it close back up. Now, I believe it’s Sasha’s turn now?”

“Take a sip for every ex that you’ve had. Damn!” Sasha read off, taking a hold of her beer and taking several sips, counting off on one hand as she did so.

Tim took six measures sips and shrugged when Jon looked at him inquisitively. “Just because I flirt a lot doesn’t mean that I end up dating a lot of people. Most people just end up looking for something casual with me.”

Jon frowned. Tim said those words lightly, but there was a bitterness to his tone that Jon didn’t like to hear. “I can’t imagine someone not wanting to date you.”

“Yeah, well, it happens more than you might think,” Tim said, and Jon didn’t miss the way that Tim’s eyes flicked to Sasha for a quick moment. Jon drank, and turned away.

“The player who’s best at kissing drinks. Pucker up,” Martin flushed red, “How am I supposed to judge this? I haven’t kissed any of you guys-“

Martin was cut off by Sasha grabbing his head with both hands and snogging solidly. His arms flailed out in surprise, hitting Jon accidentally. Sasha drew back, looking smug even while her lipstick was smudged, and turned to Tim. “Your turn, Mr. Stoker.”

“Of course, Ms. James,” Tim bowed, before straightening and pulling Martin into another kiss. He turned to Jon after he finished, expectantly. 

Jon hesitated, but he shuffled forward and pressed his lips to Martin, much more gently than Tim and Sasha had. There was only a tiny bit of tongue, but the fact that it happened at all was surprising enough.

When Jon finished, the three looked at Martin expectantly, although Jon pretended not to be interested in the results. Martin just sat there, face red and lips slightly swollen, too dazed to say anything.

“Well?” Jon asked, pointedly looking at a spot over in the corner and not at Martin.

“I- Jon wins,” Martin stuttered out.

“What?!” Tim exclaimed, “This is- this is unfair, we need an unbiased judge!”

“I’m not being biased Tim, Jon was just the best kisser,” Martin shrugged, “Sasha hit me in the nose and you used too much tongue.”

“I’ve been forsaken,” Tim cried out, dropping into Martin’s lap and pretending to faint, “You’ve killed me, Martin. My pride will never recover and I will soon succumb to the Sickness. The only way to save me... is to kiss me again.”

“Tim, you’re in my lap, I’m not bending double to do that,” Martin said, but he picked up Tim’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it anyway, “Is that good enough?”

“It has nourished me enough to continue the game, but I will need more to sustain me,” Tim fluttered his eyelashes up at Martin.

“Maybe later.”

They went back to the game for a while, somehow all ending up drinking about the same amount. Tim finished his drink first, but whether that was because he fulfilled more cards or he just drank larger sips was unclear. Still, they chose to stop the game, finishing off their beers and deciding to just talk for the rest of the night, putting a movie on in the background.

They weren’t actually planning on paying attention to the movie, but Jon and Martin started heavily criticizing it almost immediately. Tim and Sasha didn’t really care about the “failed attempts at cinematography” that were apparently happening on screen, but they were content to just listen.

When the movie finished, there was a short silence, quickly broken by Tim. “Hey, what if we started a club or something. The We Fucked Elias Club, meetings literally every day at work.”

“What if we shorten it down to just Fuck Elias?” Martin mused, “Short, sweet, and has a double meaning.”

“Yes! First meeting of Fuck Elias: The Club, active starting now. We can hang out, have meetings at a different flat each week, get drinks together, and complain about our mutual hookup.”

“Tim...” Sasha paused, looking Tim deep in his eyes and laying a gentle hand on his arm, “I think what you’re describing is just a polycule.”

“Archives polycule, yea or nay?”

“Sure?”

“Yeah!”

“I mean... I guess so?” Jon smirked, his voice dry as he quipped, “We’ve all slept with the same man, I’d say we’re fairly close already.”

“That was a joke but also I’m in love with all of you guys, so...”

“Love?”

“Yeah, I thought that we had kinda established this? I mean, we’re friends. I lave you guys both as friends and as potential romantic partners,” Tim paused, tilting his head to the side, “We’ll, except for Sasha.”

“Wait, why not Sasha? I thought you guys, well, had a thing going on?”

“Oh, I’m aromantic. I’m on board with everything else Tim’s saying, I’m just not really into dating, I guess.”

Jon nodded, raising his hand in an awkward fist, “Aro-Ace solidarity?”

Sasha chuckled, bumping fists with him despite the fact that they were still curled around each other. “Aro-Ace solidarity.”

“Hey, not to interrupt your moment, sorry, but that reminded me. We haven’t actually like, clarified what our sexualities are?” Martin said, voice lilting higher at the end as if it was a question, “And while its not a big deal, I’d like to know before we may or may not start negotiating a relationship?”

Tim nodded, “I’m bisexual.” He then shrugged, having no longer answer to give.

Sasha and Jon both started speaking at the same time, then paused to let the other speak, before bursting into laughter when neither went. Sasha raised a hand, gasping slightly, and stated, “Aromantic bisexual, I tend towards men but that’s mostly because it’s easier to find a man looking for something casual, usually.”

Jon nodded before speaking, “I’m biromantic asexual, and I’ve only been in a few relationships so I’m not entirely sure what my preferences are.”

“I’m gay,” Martin said, smiling nervously, “I guess that means I ruin the bi streak.”

“Aww Marto, you could never ruin anything!” Tim leaned over Jon and Sasha to smack a wet kiss on Martin’s cheek, “Wait, that was fine with you, right?”

“Tim, I’m fairly certain that we’re genuinely discussing entering into a polyamorous relationship right now, and you snogged me like an hour ago. A kiss on the cheek is totally fine.” Martin’s voice was dry, but he was smiling widely, a blush dusting his cheeks.

“Yeah, but that was part of a game! This one was like, proper romantic.”

“Either way, you can kiss me whenever you’d like.”

“So we’re doing this?” Sasha asked, a contemplative look on her face.

“While I’d like to sober up properly before we actually... do anything about it, I’d like to take advantage of the fact that I can talk about emotions while drunk to say that I am romantically interested in all of you,” Jon said, somehow not taking a single breath throughout his speech.

“Time to sleep off the alcohol, then?” Martin asked, “I could make breakfast in the morning, if you’d like.”

“That’ll probably sound heavenly in the morning, Marto. Let me just...” Tim threw one of his shoes that he had kicked off earlier at the light switch on the wall, plunging them into darkness, before hitting the button on his bedside table lamp. 

“And you couldn’t have just gotten up and done that?” Jon asked.

Tim shrugged. “I didn’t wanna get up. And it worked, so that’s all that matters.”

“Look, I don’t know about you all, but I’m not going to sleep in these clothes,” Sasha said, picking at the blouse that she was wearing, “Can I borrow one of your shirts, Tim?”

Tim groaned, but he got up and dug through his wardrobe, eventually pulling out a worn t-shirt from some marathon or something that he had once participated in. He threw it over to Sasha, who snatched it up with one hand and went to work stripping off her work clothes, leaving her in only her panties.

Jon and Martin both avoided looking at her, but Tim shot her an exaggerated leer while she pulled his shirt on. Sasha rolled her eyes, sprawling back down onto the bed, nearly landing on Jon.

“I’m not sleeping with- and yes I mean just sleeping- anyone wearing a belt and slacks to bed, so you all had better start stripping too.”

Both Martin and Jon elected to go for the boxers and undershirt look, while Tim just wore his briefs. They all got under the covers, snuggling in cautiously before getting properly comfortable in a tangle of limbs.

They fell asleep that way, all curled up together, gently snoring as they slept off the alcohol.

Tim rolled over late that night, verging into the next morning, and grumbled in Jon’s ear, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten that you didn’t finish your story. I want all the deets.”

Jon huffed out a laugh, pressing a kiss to Tim’s stubbly cheek before curling back in towards Martin. That was a conversation for the Jon of tomorrow to deal with.

**Author's Note:**

> Lmk if you want a follow up? I could probably string together them having breakfast and a proper conversation about feelings after I spend way too long crying about whatever going to happen in the finale.
> 
> I also have a few other TMA fits that I'm working on, so keep an eye peeled if you liked this one lol. Rn there's a ridiculous mess of an Archivist!Georgie chatfic?


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